The Empty Room
From the time I was a little girl, I always knew that I wanted many babies (well, at least 3 or 4). Obviously I planned on starting a little later in life, but with the early arrival of Little J, I knew that I wouldn't be able to have my babies as close together in age as I would have liked. I first needed to finish college, get married, and be a little more financially prepared. Once we got married, we wanted to enjoy our "honeymoon phase" and we simply enjoyed being a family of 3. Of course, that didn't last very long as I began to get the baby fever. So a little over a year ago, Daddy B and I decided that it was time to grow our family. I had it all planned out. The baby would be due in early Spring, just in time for us to be in a house. The nursery was all laid out in my mind and I even began to imagine how we would make the big announcement. The excitement of being pregnant again, holding a baby in my arms, and watching Little J as a big brother, became overwhelming. I couldn't wait! There I went making my own plans again. I should have known better.
The months passed by. Each negative pregnancy test was just another disappointment. Well, there goes a Spring due date, but that's OK because we haven't found our home yet anyway; There is nothing wrong with a Fall or Winter birth. I still remained hopeful. But as the months dragged on, the ideas of how we would decorate the nursery began to fade away and it became more of a mission to find out what was going on. We are young and we clearly didn't have a problem getting pregnant the first time, so what could possibly be the problem? We decided to take a trip to the doctor, and from there we were referred to another and another. After several doctors' visits, we discovered we were facing something called "sub-fertility" - Not completely infertile, but not exactly fertile either. Basically for a couple like us, it may be extremely difficult to get pregnant again. IVF was recommended, but last I checked, we didn't win the lottery and there is no way we could afford it. Of course there are other options to increase our chances, but no guarantee. I went into a spiral of emotions. The phrase from Dumb and Dumber comes to mind here - So you're saying I have a chance! - But the pessimist in me wonders if it will ever happen. For a short while, the pessimist won. I went into a bout of depression. Every time I saw a pregnant woman in the grocery store or saw a precious baby, sadness ensued and I somehow felt envious. I shut down. I spent so much time thinking about the future child I may never have that I stopped giving my full attention to the amazing child who is present in my life right now. I knew it was time to make a change in my attitude.
One night when Daddy B came home from work, I sat on the couch and simply said the now all too familiar phrase, "Well, we aren't having a baby this month". I had no idea that two little ears heard me say these words this time, but before I knew it there were two tiny hands on my empty belly and the most sympathetic eyes looking into mine. "Mommy, why aren't we having a baby?" I was speechless. What kind of answer can I give to my 4 year old son? How is it that he can understand what I am saying and somehow feel my pain? In that moment, I chose to focus on the here and now rather than mourning the loss of a future that, quite possibly, was never meant to be. I chose to be hopeful, but became content with leaving it in God's hands. If and when it is meant to be, it will happen. If not, I am still extremely blessed with the life I have been given.
I am not saying that I don't get sad occasionally. Each month that a little visitor arrives, I feel all of the pain come back again, but it doesn't last as long. I suppose I just expect it now. When we began our house hunt, we were looking for a house with 3 or 4 bedrooms, with the intention of filling each of those rooms. With children, that is. As I look into the empty bedroom across from ours, I am reminded of the hopes Ihad have for this room and I grow a little sad. I hope to one day hear the sweet cry of our baby coming from this room. But until then, I will never lose sight of the life I have. In the room next door there is a little boy pretending to be Spiderman, and the noise coming from that room is beautifully real. Once again, I am reminded that I am blessed.
The months passed by. Each negative pregnancy test was just another disappointment. Well, there goes a Spring due date, but that's OK because we haven't found our home yet anyway; There is nothing wrong with a Fall or Winter birth. I still remained hopeful. But as the months dragged on, the ideas of how we would decorate the nursery began to fade away and it became more of a mission to find out what was going on. We are young and we clearly didn't have a problem getting pregnant the first time, so what could possibly be the problem? We decided to take a trip to the doctor, and from there we were referred to another and another. After several doctors' visits, we discovered we were facing something called "sub-fertility" - Not completely infertile, but not exactly fertile either. Basically for a couple like us, it may be extremely difficult to get pregnant again. IVF was recommended, but last I checked, we didn't win the lottery and there is no way we could afford it. Of course there are other options to increase our chances, but no guarantee. I went into a spiral of emotions. The phrase from Dumb and Dumber comes to mind here - So you're saying I have a chance! - But the pessimist in me wonders if it will ever happen. For a short while, the pessimist won. I went into a bout of depression. Every time I saw a pregnant woman in the grocery store or saw a precious baby, sadness ensued and I somehow felt envious. I shut down. I spent so much time thinking about the future child I may never have that I stopped giving my full attention to the amazing child who is present in my life right now. I knew it was time to make a change in my attitude.
One night when Daddy B came home from work, I sat on the couch and simply said the now all too familiar phrase, "Well, we aren't having a baby this month". I had no idea that two little ears heard me say these words this time, but before I knew it there were two tiny hands on my empty belly and the most sympathetic eyes looking into mine. "Mommy, why aren't we having a baby?" I was speechless. What kind of answer can I give to my 4 year old son? How is it that he can understand what I am saying and somehow feel my pain? In that moment, I chose to focus on the here and now rather than mourning the loss of a future that, quite possibly, was never meant to be. I chose to be hopeful, but became content with leaving it in God's hands. If and when it is meant to be, it will happen. If not, I am still extremely blessed with the life I have been given.
I am not saying that I don't get sad occasionally. Each month that a little visitor arrives, I feel all of the pain come back again, but it doesn't last as long. I suppose I just expect it now. When we began our house hunt, we were looking for a house with 3 or 4 bedrooms, with the intention of filling each of those rooms. With children, that is. As I look into the empty bedroom across from ours, I am reminded of the hopes I