Tired Heart
"This is not a dress rehearsal; This is your life"
A few nights ago as I put Little J to bed, he complained of a growing pain in his leg and asked me to rub it. He laid on the bed with his foot propped on my chest as I massaged. He giggled and said that he could feel my heartbeat. "Bum. Bum. Bum," he described the rhythm of the beats. "Mama, did you know that a heart can never get tired? If it gets tired, it stops beating and you stop living". He meant it in the most literal sense, but that simple, straightforward statement really got me thinking. Have I let my own heart grow tired?
I am a checklist person - have been for as long as I can remember. My checklists range from the most basic of things like to-do lists and grocery lists to the more elaborate and visionary lists of future goals and wishes. My very Type A Personality forces me to write each of these lists out on paper, often color coded, with the imperative purpose being to feel the joyous sensation of crossing each item off. It feels like such an accomplishment, pen in hand, striking a line through actions I've completed, so much so that if I do something that wasn't originally on my list I will still write it down, just to feel the satisfaction of crossing it off. There was a time in my life when I was diligent in making sure that everything on my list was crossed off, but at some point the drive to complete tasks dwindled - the checklist lost its purpose. The lists keep piling up, but the amount of items crossed off have become less and less. Procrastination has become my
I realize that perhaps my list has grown too long. I lie in bed at night thinking of all of the things that need to get done. The list becomes too daunting, I become overwhelmed, I quit. Watching an entire season of Gilmore Girls seems much more doable than painting my living room or writing my blog (two things that have been on my growing list for quite some time). After I've wasted an entire day binge-watching, I go to bed feeling angry with myself for not being more active, often thinking of all of the things that I didn't get done, which ultimately adds to my list. It's a vicious cycle and it's exhausting.
I wish that instead of thinking of the 3,762 items all at once, I could focus on things one at a time. And perhaps the first thing on my list should be: Live. In. The. Moment. A few years ago I wrote this post, and I feel that I have often failed to take my own advice. As a mom, I hate to think of all of the tiny moments I am missing out on due to my mind being in a completely different place. I tend to focus on my regrets rather than looking at all of the positive aspects and accomplishments I have made. I've actually done a lot. I've lived a lot. Of course there are many things I probably would have done differently. This seems to be a recurring theme in my life, but then again I wouldn't be where I am today if things had turned out differently. By being present and living in the moment, procrastination could be less and more things could get done. I need to do things when I want to do them, jump when I need to jump, all while being present for what is happening right now. It's a big ask of myself, but it ultimately may lead to less regrets.
I don't want to get tired. I don't want my heart to stop beating. I don't want to stop living. I'm sure I can think of at least a million and one things I'd love to do with the rest of the time I have here on Earth - places I want to see, people I want to meet, experiences I want to have. But I fear the biggest regret I may have is not experiencing moments as they happen. The reality is that our next moment is not promised to us. Given the chance that I may not get to cross everything off my list, I truly hope I can say that I lived.