Lost

What was only supposed to be a temporary solution to support my family until I found a job doing what I truly wanted to do, wound up being more of a permanent solution than I would have liked. Two years later, I found myself in the same position. Although I wasn’t completely happy or fulfilled in my job, it was a job nonetheless. I made a decent living and worked in a flexible work environment that allowed my family to purchase our first home and to live comfortably. I had often talked of doing something else, but never felt fully compelled to do so. I simply stuck with what I knew and settled into a life of routine. But one day, within a matter of minutes all of that changed. As I walked into work on what seemed like a normal Tuesday morning, a feeling rushed over me that something wasn’t quite right. Moments later in a cold meeting, my feelings were confirmed. As my boss uttered the words that he was selling the company and that I no longer had a job, a fog came over me. Looking back, I am sure it wasn’t the most professional thing for me to do, but I literally began to sob. Just hours before, as I prepared for just another day at the office, I had very few worries and now my entire world had been turned upside-down. As I packed up my things and left the building that I had come to everyday and the people that I had grown so close to over the last two years, I had absolutely no idea where my life was going and I was scared.

The days that followed sent me into overdrive. I re-vamped my resume and began a never-ending job search. The holidays were quickly approaching and I worried about providing a good Christmas for Little J. But soon my ambition and high energy ran out. I slumped into a deep depression. Although I didn’t care for the job I had, I was grateful to have it. I knew exactly what was expected of me everyday. I had a schedule and a routine, and now I was lost. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do with my life once and for all.

I have a Bachelor’s degree in Elementary Education and from the time I was a child, I knew I was going to be a teacher when I grew up. Prior to getting pregnant with Little J, I had briefly reconsidered my dream of teaching, but since that had been my only focus for so many years, I never really explored any other options. Once I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t possibly change my major as I was halfway through my education, so I stuck with it so that I could still graduate on time and focus on providing a life for my child. Graduating into a less-than-perfect job market didn’t give me many job prospects and after months of searching and interviewing, I finally settled for a job making more money than I would as a substitute teacher, in a field that I knew nothing about, and thus this treacherous journey began. I can remember driving to work on Monday mornings, crying as I left my little boy with our babysitter. I didn’t want to be away from him, but I knew that responsibility called.

Six months ago, my world was turned upside-down. I lost all sense of direction and was forced to take a good look at my life to find my passion and calling. I believe that losing my job was a kick in the butt to finally do what makes me happy. For the past few years I have dreamt of being a stay-at-home mom while running my own daycare/preschool. I love children. I love watching them grow and change, explore new things, and find success in the little things. Most of all, I love being a mom to Little J. Combining both my love and passion would give me the best of both worlds. The past six months, though difficult as they may have been, have given me the opportunity to spend quality time with my son. A special bond has been created between the two of us and I have been blessed to watched him blossom. Although I am still figuring out what I want to do with my life, I know that I don’t want to cry every Monday while leaving my son. I know that I have a responsibility to my family, but without true happiness, I am of no good to them. I pray for guidance everyday to do the right thing.  So while I often feel like an 18 year old all over again, changing my mind quite frequently, I know who I am and what I love at my core, and in time I will be where I need to be.